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Imagine watching a baby learn to walk. You feel enthralled as he struggles to get up, laughing out loud as he stands proudly to his feet. Suddenly, he loses his balance and falls.
Would you give that little boy a break because he fell? No way. You know very well that an eleven-month-old has not developed the muscles and balance necessary to be alone. In fact, he may never learn to walk if you scold him. So you laugh and coo and encourage him to try again and keep doing it.
It’s easy to see that with a baby. But the picture is not so clear when her eyes roll in her head and smoke comes out of her ears because her teenage daughter brought home three F’s on her report card.
In fact, if your daughter comes home, once again after her curfew, and smells like alcohol, you are likely to be tempted to punish her for the rest of her life.
You absolutely have to do something. But how you approach the situation can make the difference between generating resentment and hostility or developing a responsible teen who learns to make positive and productive decisions in life.
If you want to motivate your teen to act positive, start by having an emotional connection. Before he listens to you, he needs to know that you understand and care about what is going on. She needs to feel loved and respected (especially when she doesn’t like what you say). And knowing that you have an emotionally safe place to land. That starts with an emotional connection.
Ways to build an emotional connection with your teen:
Listen and reflect what you hear: This is the most effective way to connect with anyone. When someone feels that you understand their situation and how they feel about it, they are usually willing to open up and speak up. (This does not mean that you have to agree with what they say.) By listening fully to your teen, you are more likely to develop an understanding that empowers you to provide the guidance you need.
Express appreciation – Take time each day to genuinely acknowledge something you appreciate about what your child said or did.
Have rituals – Make it a tradition to eat donuts at the local coffee shop once a week, have dinner together, go to a baseball game, or have a family night once a month.
Teach problem solving skills – When you teach your teen how to reflectively solve problems rather than seek solutions, they are much more likely to share and talk about their problems.
Share emotional information – Tell your child your joys, successes, failures, hopes, dreams and wishes and listen to yours.