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There are so many articles on relationships and marriages that it can make your head spin: how to communicate with your husband even if he is a complete jerk; The 72 Secrets Of Lasting Love, Even When She Can’t Bear Looking At You; 13 fun ways to increase intimacy after your spouse has been deported.
But what if you are in a strong and happy relationship and you have no interest in improving your marriage? So what? Where are you going? Where are the items for people like you? Or maybe you’re eager to tear your relationship down a bit so you’re more in line with the rest of the couples on your block. After all, it’s no fun being the golden couple in a sea of mediocre relationships. Enough of all the self-proclaimed relationship “experts” telling you that it is possible to regain your adolescent passion with the bald, pot-bellied snorer who has cut into your side for the past thirty-five years.
Healthy relationships like yours have been neglected for too long. But that is about to change! Here are three guaranteed steps that will remove life and vitality from your relationship in a matter of days. (Please note: Using these methods for more than three days can lead to an increase in name calling, profanity, door slamming, and frantic calls to Vito and Vito’s legal team.)
Step 1:
The “I doubt it” technique. No matter what your partner says, respond with the phrase “I doubt it.” Whenever there are new communication methods designed to to get better If intimacy is practiced, couples report considerable difficulty using new skills consistently and reliably. They usually report that the methods feel too artificial or unnatural.
Not so with the “I doubt it” technique. Most couples report that speaking this way feels 100% natural and couples seem very eager to practice this skill. Here are some examples of this technique in action:
Q: “Can you pick up the kids later?” A: “I doubt it.”
Q: “I have something important to discuss. Can we talk later?” A: “I doubt it.”
Q: “Honey, do you still find me attractive?” A: “I doubt it.”
Step 2:
After two days of using the “I Doubt” technique, you are ready for step two.
The Inappropriate Laughter Technique (ILT). ILT takes practice. If you don’t already have one, you will need to develop a hearty laugh. This technique will only work if your partner thinks you are seriously laughing at him or her. Many people report that they practice while driving to and from work.
The ILT will be used in two specific sets of circumstances:
A) Every time your partner dresses or undresses in front of you;
B) Whenever your partner tries to communicate something of importance.
For instance:
Here’s what your partner says: “I felt like you were being unfair when you said I don’t do enough around the house.”
This is what your partner’s statement looks like when you add the ILT: “I felt [HA!] you were being unfair [HA! HA!] when you said no [HEE!] do enough at home [HA! HA! HO! HO!]. “
Isn’t that better? Now your partner can’t even issue his own serious statement non-stop, and you’re having fun in the process, too. Feel free to liven up this approach by improvising. Try leaning forward while supporting your stomach with each laugh; really intensifies the effect.
Step 3:
Ingratitude diary. This one requires the best effort on your part, but it gives a lot for your money. It takes some prep time. Try to let go of all the things you love and appreciate about your partner. Then reflect on all the ways your partner annoys you; focus your attention on how it annoys, irritates, and annoys you. Visualizing your partner’s undesirable habits increases the effectiveness of this exercise by forcing you to relive all the ways you feel exasperated by him / her.
For example, an entry might look like this: God, I hate the way he chews. I mean, I’d rather see a crow gouge the eye out of a dead squirrel. I don’t think I can eat closer to her.
For maximum effect, it is recommended that you keep a journal and add it to the list. This will help you become more and more in tune with the ways in which your partner’s behavior annoys you. An added benefit of keeping an ingratitude journal is that you will start to overlook all the kind, generous, and considerate things your partner does for you.
There you go. A solid and totally proof way to kick your relationship behind the knees so that it falls flat on its face. You will be surprised how fast and effective these methods are. You can thank me later.