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Have you ever heard the expression “Stop banging your head against the wall!” It’s an old expression my mom used that basically translates to: There are certain things we do that are just as productive and healthy as banging our heads against the wall.
The interesting thing about banging your head against the wall, hereafter known as HBS, is its tendency to repeat itself. Which brings up another voice from my childhood: “When will you learn?” As in: “How many times do you need to bang your head against the wall to realize it hurts?”
Why, after our Mothers collectively imparted this wisdom to us, did it take us a long time to discover it for ourselves or haven’t we yet? I mean really, are we as thick as the bricks in that wall? The definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing and expect different results. Hence our Mother’s refrain: “Are you crazy or what?”
In the Life Coaching process, we often find that people do just that…they continue with habitual behaviors that not only don’t work but actually hurt. We fall into a pattern and stick with it through thick and thin. We operate on autopilot. We believe that we are making real decisions in our actions, but quite the opposite. Habitual behavior makes us run. We really are not in control of our lives.
Habitual behavior is often the result of behavioral adaptations we made when we were younger. You know, if your mom didn’t love you enough, you may have developed a habit of looking for love in all the wrong places. Forgiveness. And you kept repeating that behavior, behavior that evolved from a childish reaction but surely doesn’t work as an adult, until you end up with a bruised head from all the blows. Finally a light goes out in the old noggin. What’s up with that?
Who is in charge here? Maybe it’s that childish voice inside your head that says you’re not adorable. Is that voice telling you the truth? No. It’s a voice, just a voice, and it operates on highly outdated and unreliable information. Call him a troll, demon, whatever. It started when you were younger at a time when you made childish decisions to survive. Who are you going to listen to… him or you?
Stop banging your head, will you? As your Mother knew, she doesn’t get you anywhere fast. Nowhere is not a fun place. Understand that voice in your head for what it is…a voice that wants to keep you locked into habitual behavior that prevents you from internal awareness and therefore any change for the better.
Start by recognizing that voice and notice it. That is. Just notice. Don’t argue or try to have a rational conversation. It is not a rational voice. Trust me, I know from experience. Once you are aware of its presence, you can choose to ignore it. Awareness, then clarity, will lead to conscious decisions; decisions that are made by you and only you. Nothing mindless like trolls or bad habits.
Seeks to develop new clothes. If your life was run by bad clothes, conversely, it can be run by good clothes that you consciously choose. To develop a habit, you simply have to stick with it for about three months and you’ll be home safe. Simply create the image of what you want your behavior to look like and list ten items of clothing that will lead you to that image of yourself.
It works the same with your life. Where would you like to be ten years from now in terms of who and what you are and what you are doing? Think of ten habits that will lead you to that future self and start adopting those indicators today. Work backwards from the future.
If you really want to make changes for the better, you must be aware of what is happening to you. That takes work… but as Mom always said, “The effort you put into something determines what you get out of it.” Or was it, “Nothing worthwhile comes easy.” Whatever, you get the picture.