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One of the most persuasive problems couples have when trying to reconcile after an affair is that the wife believes that he still truly loves her and wants to be with her. This can be particularly true if he claims to be “in love” with the other woman.
Sometimes the other woman will make this claim (while the husband denies it) and the wife will desperately want to believe that it is not even close to being true. Someone might ask, “Do married men ever tell the other woman that they are in love with her? The other woman my husband cheated with tells me that he told her that he never loved her more than he loves her.” to her. I find this a little hard to believe. I come from a culture where mistress was disrespected and everyone knew it was only about sex. People generally believed that a man loves his wife, but she lusts for her lover. Mind you, I imagined my husband having sex with her without much conversation and without exchanging words about his feelings, but she insists that is not true, insists that he told her that he loved her almost every day. times they were together, of course, she has no proof of this at all. So that makes me not believe her even more. And my husband denies ever expressing feelings of love for her. I want to save my marriage, but I’m not sure of power if I believe that he really loved her. and it’s over He’s been with me pretty much every moment since I found out so I think he’s broken it and maybe all the claims of ‘love’ from him are because he’s trying to tear us apart so he can have it. But I’m curious if married men tell the other woman that they love her.”
Men can express love for various tricky reasons: From the correspondence I receive, it is quite clear that in some cases, yes, this claim is made. I think the reasons a husband makes this claim can certainly vary. Some men are dealing with a woman who is not going to go through with the affair unless she believes that she loves her and that they are going to have a future. (And then he tells her what she wants to hear.) Other men may truly believe they are in love with her at the time, but then quickly change their minds when faced with the prospect of losing her marriage.
Putting it in perspective: I know that what I am going to say may seem insensitive and I do not intend it to come out that way. But think for a second about what really matters. Her husband has made no attempt to see her and he seems perfectly content to end the affair and move on with her marriage. Does this sound like a man who is hopelessly in love with the other woman?
If he loved her that much, he would have refused to end the affair and still be actively in that relationship. But this is not the case. He tells you. And he thought about breaking with her abruptly and completely. This is not the behavior of a man who is deeply in love with another woman.
And I’m not defending your husband’s behavior or any man who cheats on him. I know firsthand how hurtful and devastating such behavior is. However, at the same time, I think most men tell the other woman what he thinks she wants to hear.
Why an Affair Doesn’t Meet the Criteria for a ‘Loving’ Relationship: A relationship based on lies and secrets cannot be a very loving relationship, just by definition. Most of the time, the other woman desperately wants to believe that they love her about her because it makes everything easier for her. I’m not saying she’s lying. He could have told her that he loved her. But her behavior right now doesn’t indicate that she does.
We all know that truly loving relationships are built over time. They require honesty, loyalty and truth. They often emerge gradually and mature as the couple weathers the storms together. Most of the time, an adventure does not meet this criteria. It is a short term thing that usually happens when a man is struggling emotionally and therefore has nothing emotional to give to the other woman. It might make her feel better to think that he loves her. But the fact that he keeps her a secret, gives her bits of her of her time, and usually leaves her by the time her wife finds out about her isn’t very indicative of the true love of her
So yes, married men sometimes tell the other woman that they love her. But certainly not everyone is serious. Many say it just to make things seem easier from a moral point of view. And they quickly walk away from this view once they’ve been caught or once enough time has passed that they can see their feelings a little more clearly.